My heart heavy with my hands shaking typing this, however it feels less embarrass sharing my story here rather than tell everyone I know.
I’m a female medical doctor based in Thailand, and I've been in a relationship with my American boyfriend for 3 years. He is a very loyal person and that’s the most important for me because I’m having demanding job, I work 6 days a week.
I was the one who welcomed him into Thailand during Covid19 pandemic. Now next part might be a bit hard for a western culture to understand, but if you ever met a good Thai (who is family-oriented) people, you would definitely understand. Please hear me out without placing any blame. Please..
It was my decision to have him stay with me in Thailand (he lost his job during Covid) while I prepared for my USMLE Step 1 and 2 exams, so we could eventually return to the US together. I offered him the opportunity to pursue MBA at a middle-class private university in Bangkok, and I covered all his tuition and monthly expenses until he graduated. The MBA took him 2 years to graduated and unfortunately, I wasn’t able to pass the first step of my USMLE exam yet, as I found myself busy working to cover bills and handling daily housework like cleaning and laundry. With all of that, I can’t really focus on my studies as much as I needed to (I’m doing this to myself. Blame me in this)
I find myself handling many difficult times and financial difficulties, I’ve been committed to protect our relationship. I always make sure he lives comfortable here, all without asking for anything in return. I never request expensive gifts from him, so I hope it’s clear that my intentions are not like those of some who may seek out foreigners for financial gain. Until now it’s been overall 3 years together that he was under my care.
I’d like to clarify that I’m not an older woman paying a younger man to stay with me; I’m actually just a year older than him. It’s part of my cultural background (Thai traditions mixed with my physician brain that well-trained to take high responsibility) I’m used to taking the role of provider and caregiver. And I am not mad ugly, I’m 162cm (63.8 inches) 53kg (116.845 pounds)
The most saddest part of when we broke up because of the Thai Cultural Wedding issue: After three years of my hard work and sacrifices, I finally expressed to him about having our Thai wedding ceremony done properly, which will cost around 200,000 Thai Baht. I assured him that he wouldn’t need to prepare any add up dowry at all, and there’s no rush—he has 6 to 12 months to get ready for it. The 200K if for the Ceremony (Place, Decoration and Foods) I DID NOT ask him to provide Thai Dowry or Sinsord. When Dowry/Sinsord is just money to show.
I’d like to clarify a bit about Thai dowry, or sinsord. It can be quite flexible and often depends on the agreement between the two families. If a Thai woman comes from a good family, is well-educated, and has strong values, the man would express his gratitude by offering a reasonable dowry to honor her and her family. In today’s economy, many couples may consider borrowing from the bank to provide the dowry just “to show” and returning it back later. This can be a challenging situation for the man, as the bride’s parents may choose to return the full amount or keep part of it. In Thai culture, we understand this dynamic, as many Asian parents sacrifices a lot most them financially ruined permanently supporting their daughter’s education.
Again, I DID NOT ask him to prepare the dowry or sinsord at all. But I was asking him to help cover the ceremony part like place, decoration and foods. I plan to prepare my own dowry (and I’d prefer keep this secret away from my parents, as I know my mom and dad would never respect my boyfriend again if they know about this.)
(I forgot to mention that the wedding is mainly about honoring tradition for us. We agreed not to make it legally, as his plan to remain two separate entities would be more beneficial in the US, and I'm okay with that. I don’t need him for the green card. I have my own plan according to the physician pathway to get my green card by myself.)
However his response was a politely refuse to spend his savings on the Thai wedding ceremony, as he wants to prioritize saving for our future home in the U.S. To clarify, he is not broke, he has some investments in stocks which prepare to buy us a house in USA. He must keep the stock in order to borrow against it. And he feels uncomfortable using his funds on me or our wedding.
I mentioned to him that to do this doesn’t have to take away from his investments. He just needs to be brave enough to take the step of leaving me here to find a job in the USA. He has time to save money around 6 to 12 months, there’s no rush.
His answer was heart breaking when he said the 200K sound 'skeptical' to him and he came up with the conclusion that I act like the kind of woman who marries for money.
I have mixed feelings between heartbreak and laughter, since I’m ‘that’ doctor girlfriend who covered all his MBA expenses and living costs here for 3 years, which were so much more than that. To me, the 200K was just a joke!! But, most importantly I want him participate this amount because I want to see him be a MAN just for once!! Sorry I’m being emotionally here.
I’ve been willing to put myself under many difficult times for him, but now I clearly see that he will never gonna fight for me. I feel unworthy of his efforts and unworthy of his money. All of my sacrifices don’t mean much to him. He prefers the easiest path, wanting to start a family and have me carry his future children without honoring me with a proper wedding.
Oh my, why am I in love with this man?!!
I guess there are always those who smart in their careers but struggle in their personal lives, I am one of them. I’m an introvert, I spend most of my time working or staying home with my books, my life has been series of endless exams. I haven’t put myself out there to meet many people, but fate brought me this one man, and I tried my best to make it work. I truly try my best.
Last night, we made the painful decision to break up, and now I’m telling myself that even if he were to apologize and offer me that 200K for the wedding, my answer would be 'No.' I can foresee many problems lie ahead of us, especially with our cultural differences. I worry that if we were in the US and I needed to fly back to visit my parent once or twice a year, or when I have to send money to my parent (my own money, not his) it would lead to fights every single time. I just can’t live with that.
Here I am taking my time to heal. I feel so alone, confusion and guilt-blaming myself. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I am here sharing my story to Redditors. This paragraph makes me trembling in pain, but if there is any kind heart out there, someone who understands this pain. If you could think of me as your sister or daughter, especially if you’re older, what would you say to me?
And for those men who are looking for a Thai lady please DO NOTmessage me. For the love of God do not dm me.
I know that during my healing process, I will feel lost several times, and guilt-doubt myself. In those moments, I’ll return here to read your kind comments, hoping they will help me through the pain. Thank you for reading this and thank you in advance for your kind comments.
